Wednesday, December 30, 2009


Did Adam and Eve really eat apple pancakes? The MSM won't even ask the question!

Monday, December 28, 2009


Most pancakes can be found in stacks, but a few dangerous individuals live in cartels.

Friday, December 25, 2009


I'm no saint. I have the pancakes, hostages, and hostage pancakes to prove it.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


I slept, and dreamed that life was a pancake. Then I woke and life was a smurf being sodomized by a New Zealander.

Monday, December 21, 2009

The gods

Where God has made pancakes, the devil makes waffles. Thor just makes a boom-boom on the carpet.

Friday, December 18, 2009

The force

A great disturbance in the force is preferable to a huge turd in the pancake.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


Odin, who was wise, had one eye. Think how wise pancakes are, who have neither eyes nor tentacles.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Men and women

Women want men to be fluffy pancakes drenched in chocolate sauce, while men want women to be turbo-powered fembots with awesome nipple-blasters. No wonder dating sucks.

Friday, December 11, 2009


If I had a pancake for every virgin I've deflowered, I'd have, pancake. Nevermind.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


To investigate terrorism, the government is wiretapping pancakes. Hey, it beats a drone-bot killing your ass.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


Give a man a pancake, he'll eat for a day. Give a man a death ray, he'll fuck shit up till the batteries run down.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


Pancake rage is less frequent than road rage, but it has traumatized millions of sausages.

Monday, December 7, 2009

The gods

Going postal over a pancake is like going mental over a massacre. Well, to God anyway, who is too busy playing naked Twister with Zeus to give a crap.

Friday, December 4, 2009


Without the Oedipus complex, there would be no religions or pancakes. Also, my family tree wouldn't scare away the squirrels.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


I too am a pancake, and grain alcohol is my syrup! It's been a rough year...

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


If you can learn to trust in pancakes and pee on heathens, my cult is having a membership drive.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


Redemption cannot be attained through pancakes alone. You also have to blow a saint.

Monday, November 30, 2009

The dead

The spirits of the dead often haunt the pancakes of the dead. That's why breakfast is the worst meal for murder.

Friday, November 27, 2009

The universe

The universe was really created like a Swedish pancake, not a big bang, but scientists are suckers for alliteration, so what're you gonna do?

Thursday, November 26, 2009


If a baby is baptized in pancake batter, God will be pleased. Child services, not so much.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The heavenly realm

Even in the exalted heavenly realm, there is usually one guy who farts on your pancake and sells your children to pirates.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The sea

The Dead Sea Scrolls can't hold a candle to the Dead Sea Pancakes. Too bad that pig-farmer Aquaman ate 'em.

Monday, November 23, 2009


The Egyptians had very little time for pancakes. They were too busy encouraging Druids and Vikings to make porn.

Friday, November 20, 2009


Hardworking farmboys know the value of a pancake. At least they'd better, because hardworking farmbots are on sale at Jewel.

Thursday, November 19, 2009


Pancake-lovers blather; waffle-lovers blither. Crepe-lovers pee the bed.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


A Mexican waffle and a German pancake have only one thing in common: Finnish pornography.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


A waffle is as good as a pancake--to a puppy-humping, orphan-eating agent of Satan, I reckon.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The altar of God

I have sworn upon the altar of God that...whoa. Dude. This altar would be a sweet spot to eat some pancakes.

Friday, November 13, 2009


Out of the ten unerasable names in the eleven unknowable realms, I like "Mr. Pancake Butt" the best.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The universe

The universe is endless and unfathomed. A great thing about pancakes is they are easily fathomed. You don't have to be a great fathomer.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Oh what a crooked road we take when first we poo on Mom's pancake.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Heal me, O lord, and I shall be healed; pancake me, and I shall be pancaked; waffle me, and I shall burn in hell like an English muffin in a broken toaster.

Monday, November 9, 2009


"My loins are aflame!" said the seeker.

"My pancakes are aflame!" said the master.

Since the monastery was also aflame, we'll never know how that one turned out.

Friday, November 6, 2009


Every pancake is an elegy to the prophet who peed on it.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


I'd rather have a floozy in a jacuzzi than a pancake in a porta-potty. That's just how I was raised.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


I looked at my life, and it was a pancake. Hey, at least it wasn't a bowl of warm snot, like usual.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a pancake? (Hint: Drug him).

Monday, November 2, 2009


The best healthcare is a delicate mix of voodoo, pancakes, and sensual massage, but try telling that to an insurance company...

Friday, October 30, 2009


Every pancake has its disciples, and it's usually Judas who puts his wang in the syrup.

Thursday, October 29, 2009


Progress is made by standing on the pancakes of giants, then running like hell before those stupid giants catch you.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


The Great Pumpkin was supposed to be The Great Pancake, but what do you expect from a waffle-humping hippie like Charles M. Schultz?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The United States

Pancakes cannot defeat or humiliate the United States. Only waffles can do that.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Primordial being

The essence of primordial being is called "Nothingness". Or is is called "God". Or it is called "Pancake". Primordial being doesn't give a flying fuck.

Friday, October 23, 2009


The human mind devises many plans, but the pancake mind just lies there, like a dumbass.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


It is only in our minds that we are separate from our pancakes. That polar bear doesn't think that way at all.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


If you see a rider on a red horse, as a burning mountain falls into the sea, and heavenly bodies collide, tossing pancake batter at the advancing locusts probably won't help.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


If you burn a pancake in honor of the ascended masters, and let it burn for seven hours, in accordance with prophecy, you'll probably be breaking some fire codes, which I cannot condone.

Monday, October 19, 2009


Are there pancakes in the afterlife? Only in purgatory, where teddy bears make pancakes for smurfs in exchange for sexual favors.

Friday, October 16, 2009

The ninth stage

After eating your eighth pancake, you will attain the ninth stage, which the elders know as "Fatso-ville".

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Ancient times

The ancient seers saw ancient devils in their pancakes, but syrup and a good exorcist took care of that little hiccup.