Beware

Beware a man with only one pancake or wife.

George Carlin

George Carlin said, "Everybody's got a cell phone that'll make pancakes and rub their balls" but mine won't do anything but anal.

Arts and sciences

Is making pancakes an art or a science? Neither. It's a sub-discipline of exorcism-ology.

Pants

You can't spell "pantless cakes" without "pancakes".

Cousin Billy

A pancake a day keeps my cousin Billy away. Trust me, that's a good thing.

Capes

If you're a sewer rat, a pancake could be a good cape.

Ew

One man's pancake is another man's bedpan. (Hint: that man is your mom).

Monarchy

If a king sits on a throne of pancakes, that's a good day for the royal poodle.

Duality

There are two sides to coins, pancakes, arguments, and Batman villains.

Flaws

Better a diamond with a flaw than a pancake with a thin coating of diarrhea.

Fools

Is it better to fool a pancake or pancake a fool?

Dogs

You are smarter than your dog, but your dog is smarter than your pancake. So that evens out.

Achievement

You can't get to the top by shoving pancakes up your bottom.

Moving mountains

It is possible to move a mountain with only witchcraft and pancakes. Send $1000 to learn how.

Virtue

A virtuous wife is like a pancake. She can't do business without letting Mrs. Butterworth wet her beak.

Faith

Putting your faith in a fool is like swaddling your infant in a pancake: surprisingly delicious.

Hate

You'd be surprised how much pancakes hate syrup and your mom.

The mind

The mind is like a pancake. It tastes great with strawberries.

The rich

It is easier for a rich man to eat a pancake than it is for a chihuahua to hump a polar bear. Duh.

Breakfast

A dog is to a pancake as a cat is to a crepe. As for waffles, they are the naked mole rats of breakfast.

Jesus

Jesus H. Christ should really be called Jesus P. Christ--for pancake. You can thank Bill Clinton for that cover-up.

The cosmos

There are muffin tops, but no pancake tops. That is the way of the cosmos.

The Lord

The Lord curses the waffles of the wise, but He blesses the pancakes of the promiscuous. What can I say, God is a perv.

Miracles

The miracle is not to fly in the air or walk on the water, but to make a pancake that looks exactly like Christina Hendricks.

Faith

A Buddhist asks, "Is this pancake Buddha?" A pagan answers, "Shut up, or Thor is gonna hit you with his hammer."

Hate

These six things the Lord doth hate: sin, abomination, hatred, cologne, dirty socks, and pancakes covered in whale semen.

Marriage

A virtuous woman is like a pancake to her husband, particularly if he is a cannibal.

Sisterhood

Love pancakes like a sister! OK, maybe not like your sister, you sicko. Forget I said anything.

Unity

When pancakes unite, there is nothing they cannot accomplish. Even a sausage genocide isn't out of the question.

Time

The sands of time have been lost in the pancakes of time. That's why the pancakes of time taste like the ass of time.

Words and deeds

A man of words and not of deeds is like a pancake pooped on by Apollo Creed.

Blessed

How blessed is the man who never stuffs pancakes down his underoos? Just a little blessed. Come on, we have standards around here.

Speak

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves--especially pancakes, who have some great ideas about the economy.

Sinners

Do not throw pancake batter at sinners! Try some rocks. They are more effective.

The ten commandments

The ten commandments don't mention pancakes, so I guess it's OK to slather them with the blood of orphans.

Lingerie

A pancake is like lingerie. It's delicate and looks revolting on your mom.

Evangelical Pancake-ism

Evangelical Pancake-ism is just like Christianity, but the wafer is replaced with pancakes, and the Jesus is replaced with Don Knotts.

War

Pancakes are like war. A lot of people die, but they bring a country together, and everyone loves them--or is an evil socialist hippie scumbag.

Desire

Want to see free webcams of naked pancakes? If so, consult your neurologist.

The nexus of the universe

Pancakes exist somewhere between eternity, infinity, and Schenectady.

Life

Life is like a spatula. Don’t stick it up your butt right before making pancakes.

Oprah

Every pancake gets what it deserves: an exorcism performed by Oprah on July 4.

Multiculturalism

The young want Swedish pancakes; the old want Finnish pornography. Everybody wins.

Goodness

A good pancake is loved by the bacon, feared by the sausages, and hated by my cousin Billy.

Kneel

Kneel before pancakes! They really appreciate that sort of thing, and I could win a bet.

The tip

May I compare thee to a pancake? If not, can I just put in the tip?

Role models

It is easy to model yourself after accomplished men. It is hard to model yourself after potato pancakes.

Mothers

If a pancake falls in the woods, does your mom eat it? Nah. She's too busy getting busy with a grizzly bear. Ew.

The wise and the dumbass

The words of the wise bring healing, but the pancakes of the dumbass bring STDs. Don't ask.

Live for today

Live for today, because tomorrow you could be making pancakes in my dungeon for your new Yeti bride.