Success

Aim for success, not pancakes. Success will bring you pancakes, along with a finer grade of hooker.

More

Do more than believe: act! Do more than spend: invest! Do more than love: comfort! Do more than hate: grind your enemies into pancake batter, and then make those pancakes, and then serve them to your enemies' families, like Eric Cartman! Yeah! Whoo! USA!

Constancy

Pancakes do not cease to be pancakes because your cousin Billy barfed on them.

Breakfast

The difference between a true pessimist and a true pancake is smaller than you would think. Both are delicious when served warm.

Traditional blessing

May your pancakes be fluffy and your troubles fall away, off the face of the earth, which then spins out of orbit, right into the clutches of Gargamarg, the space monster!

The eyes of God

In the eyes of God, the pancakes and the prophets will be judged as equals. This is because--in case you haven't noticed--God is batshit crazy.

Prejudice

Post-traumatic pancake syndrome is a real condition, but you have to eat a lot of pancakes and overcome the prejudices of the medical community, so is it really worth it?

True story

I've had jalapeno beer and sushi pancakes, but I've never made love to a horse. True story.

True knowledge

What does the elephant know about pancakes that the chimpanzee does not? Probably not enough to start a blog.

Plague

Would you rather have plague and pancakes or famine and fries? Your answer reveals everything about you.

Bears

If you eat a pancake in the woods, and no one hears it, you are really brave, because there are bears in those woods.

Whispers

Is that a pancake you hear whispering in the dark? No, those are just serial killers.

Quality of life

The quality of our lives, to a large degree, depends on the pancake chef of our death cult.

Math

Five pounds of pancakes will provide more cheerfulness than 500 pounds of horse poo.

Morning prayer

Bountiful God, thank you for the pancakes. Keep my children safe. Drop something heavy on my husband/wife. Amen.

Both

Will robo-pancakes eliminate hunger or just terrorize dogs, cats, squirrels, meerkats, and small children? Why can't they do both?

Divine justice

Swine flu has killed more people than pancake fever, which is why God sends pigs to hell and pancakes to heaven. USA! USA!

Wilt the Stilt

Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points in an NBA game, slept with over 10,000 women, and ate 73 pancakes in a competitive eating contest with the Pope.

History

The disciples of Jesus went ape for the pancakes of Jesus, but you probably didn't know that, because the Gospel writers were totally cranked on the crystal meth of Jesus.

Sometimes

Sometimes, a pancake is only a pancake. Other times, Pop-pop's been playing with his poo.

The simple life

Life is simple. Do the laundry. Eat the pancakes. Shrink the heads. That is all there is to it.

Men

A man would prefer to come home to a fluffy pancake and a vampire woman than a hairy pancake and a werewolf woman. Boys will be boys!

City planning

He that fleeth from the pancake shall fall into the volcano. Now who put that diner so close to the volcano? Geez.

Aquaman

If Aquaman could talk to pancakes instead of fish, he'd probably have to change his name.

Pies

If you make a pancake delicious enough, even a walrus will eat it. The same is true of children and pies.

Dreams

All my life I dreamed of making it in the world of high finance. So imagine my surprise when I ended up killed by elves and sprinkled on pancakes served to orcs.

Boom

Don't make pancakes in the bathroom or boom-booms in the kitchen. Rookie mistake!

Feelings

Pancakes don't have feelings, so it's OK to beat them with a phone book and demand a confession, even at IHOP.

Yeah

What could be better than the devouring of pancakes? The committing of whoredoms? Yeah, probably so.

Pride

Beam with pride when your pancakes accomplish something, like being ruled non-lethal by the health commissioner.