MSM

Did Adam and Eve really eat apple pancakes? The MSM won't even ask the question!

Crime

Most pancakes can be found in stacks, but a few dangerous individuals live in cartels.

Sainthood

I'm no saint. I have the pancakes, hostages, and hostage pancakes to prove it.

Dreams

I slept, and dreamed that life was a pancake. Then I woke and life was a smurf being sodomized by a New Zealander.

The gods

Where God has made pancakes, the devil makes waffles. Thor just makes a boom-boom on the carpet.

The force

A great disturbance in the force is preferable to a huge turd in the pancake.

Wisdom

Odin, who was wise, had one eye. Think how wise pancakes are, who have neither eyes nor tentacles.

Men and women

Women want men to be fluffy pancakes drenched in chocolate sauce, while men want women to be turbo-powered fembots with awesome nipple-blasters. No wonder dating sucks.

Virgins

If I had a pancake for every virgin I've deflowered, I'd have, um...one pancake. Nevermind.

Terrorism

To investigate terrorism, the government is wiretapping pancakes. Hey, it beats a drone-bot killing your ass.

Giving

Give a man a pancake, he'll eat for a day. Give a man a death ray, he'll fuck shit up till the batteries run down.

Rage

Pancake rage is less frequent than road rage, but it has traumatized millions of sausages.

The gods

Going postal over a pancake is like going mental over a massacre. Well, to God anyway, who is too busy playing naked Twister with Zeus to give a crap.

Family

Without the Oedipus complex, there would be no religions or pancakes. Also, my family tree wouldn't scare away the squirrels.

Myself

I too am a pancake, and grain alcohol is my syrup! It's been a rough year...

Trust

If you can learn to trust in pancakes and pee on heathens, my cult is having a membership drive.

Redemption

Redemption cannot be attained through pancakes alone. You also have to blow a saint.

The dead

The spirits of the dead often haunt the pancakes of the dead. That's why breakfast is the worst meal for murder.

The universe

The universe was really created like a Swedish pancake, not a big bang, but scientists are suckers for alliteration, so what're you gonna do?

Baptism

If a baby is baptized in pancake batter, God will be pleased. Child services, not so much.

The heavenly realm

Even in the exalted heavenly realm, there is usually one guy who farts on your pancake and sells your children to pirates.

The sea

The Dead Sea Scrolls can't hold a candle to the Dead Sea Pancakes. Too bad that pig-farmer Aquaman ate 'em.

Egypt

The Egyptians had very little time for pancakes. They were too busy encouraging Druids and Vikings to make porn.

Farming

Hardworking farmboys know the value of a pancake. At least they'd better, because hardworking farmbots are on sale at Jewel.

Love

Pancake-lovers blather; waffle-lovers blither. Crepe-lovers pee the bed.

Multiculturalism

A Mexican waffle and a German pancake have only one thing in common: Finnish pornography.

Waffles

A waffle is as good as a pancake--to a puppy-humping, orphan-eating agent of Satan, I reckon.

The altar of God

I have sworn upon the altar of God that...whoa. Dude. This altar would be a sweet spot to eat some pancakes.

Names

Out of the ten unerasable names in the eleven unknowable realms, I like "Mr. Pancake Butt" the best.

The universe

The universe is endless and unfathomed. A great thing about pancakes is they are easily fathomed. You don't have to be a great fathomer.

Mom

Oh what a crooked road we take when first we poo on Mom's pancake.

Healing

Heal me, O lord, and I shall be healed; pancake me, and I shall be pancaked; waffle me, and I shall burn in hell like an English muffin in a broken toaster.

Flame

"My loins are aflame!" said the seeker.

"My pancakes are aflame!" said the master.

Since the monastery was also aflame, we'll never know how that one turned out.

Elegy

Every pancake is an elegy to the prophet who peed on it.

Choices

I'd rather have a floozy in a jacuzzi than a pancake in a porta-potty. That's just how I was raised.

Life

I looked at my life, and it was a pancake. Hey, at least it wasn't a bowl of warm snot, like usual.

Death

How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a pancake? (Hint: Drug him).

Health

The best healthcare is a delicate mix of voodoo, pancakes, and sensual massage, but try telling that to an insurance company...

Judas

Every pancake has its disciples, and it's usually Judas who puts his wang in the syrup.

Progress

Progress is made by standing on the pancakes of giants, then running like hell before those stupid giants catch you.

Hippies

The Great Pumpkin was supposed to be The Great Pancake, but what do you expect from a waffle-humping hippie like Charles M. Schultz?

The United States

Pancakes cannot defeat or humiliate the United States. Only waffles can do that.

Primordial being

The essence of primordial being is called "Nothingness". Or is is called "God". Or it is called "Pancake". Primordial being doesn't give a flying fuck.

Mind

The human mind devises many plans, but the pancake mind just lies there, like a dumbass.

Oneness

It is only in our minds that we are separate from our pancakes. That polar bear doesn't think that way at all.

Doom

If you see a rider on a red horse, as a burning mountain falls into the sea, and heavenly bodies collide, tossing pancake batter at the advancing locusts probably won't help.

Prophecy

If you burn a pancake in honor of the ascended masters, and let it burn for seven hours, in accordance with prophecy, you'll probably be breaking some fire codes, which I cannot condone.

Heaven

Are there pancakes in the afterlife? Only in purgatory, where teddy bears make pancakes for smurfs in exchange for sexual favors.

The ninth stage

After eating your eighth pancake, you will attain the ninth stage, which the elders know as "Fatso-ville".

Ancient times

The ancient seers saw ancient devils in their pancakes, but syrup and a good exorcist took care of that little hiccup.