The Pancake Proverbs

The cosmos

2011-09-08T07:36:00.000-07:00

Q: What did the blonde see when she opened a box of pancake batter? A: The secret of the cosmos.

Happiness

2011-09-06T07:34:00.000-07:00

Pancakes cause more happiness than Prozac, more boners than Viagra, and more reggae than weed.

Medicine

2011-09-01T07:29:00.000-07:00

I feel sorry for the group Doctors Without Pancakes.

God

2011-08-30T07:27:00.000-07:00

God is constantly molding you into the person or pancake you were meant to be.

Security

2011-08-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

Maybe if Linus carried a security pancake instead of a security blanket, Charles M. Schulz would still be alive.

Freedom

2011-08-23T07:24:00.000-07:00

Why are there Special Olympics but no Pancake Olympics? I thought this was America.

Firsts

2011-08-17T07:22:00.000-07:00

The wheel and fire were well-received, but the caveman who invented the first pancake also received the first blow job.

Music and diet

2011-08-15T07:21:00.000-07:00

Simon and Garfunkel were OK, but Simon and pancakes are more filling.

Helen Keller

2011-08-11T07:18:00.000-07:00

Q: Why did Helen Keller love pancakes? A: Because everyone loves pancakes.

USA

2011-08-09T07:17:00.000-07:00

Maybe if we all ate pants and wore pancakes for a day, that would solve America's problems.

Awful things

2011-08-04T07:15:00.000-07:00

Which is more annoying: Facebook or pancake butt?

Hard times

2011-08-02T07:09:00.000-07:00

If you work hard, play hard, and eat breakfast hard, you must be sexually attracted to pancakes.

Feminism

2011-07-28T07:52:00.000-07:00

A woman without a pancake is like a waffle without a cult of deranged worshipers who deep-fry orphans.

Oneness

2011-07-26T07:43:00.000-07:00

The pancake, the plate, and the prophet are as one. For this, we can thank crazy glue.

Math

2011-07-21T07:24:00.000-07:00

One lawyer with a machete can do more damage than a thousand criminals with pancakes. Duh.

Self-actualization

2011-07-19T07:56:00.000-07:00

The key to self-actualization is eating a stack of pancakes taller than Mini-Me.

Going Dutch

2011-07-14T07:25:00.000-07:00

Never go Dutch on Swedish pancakes or Finnish pornography.

Sausage

2011-07-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

Every day you don't eat a pancake, the baby Jesus gets thrown off a cliff.

Turds

2011-07-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

You can't polish a turd, but you can laminate a pancake. So that evens out.

Your mom

2011-07-05T07:42:00.000-07:00

There might be more to life than eating pancakes off a Satanic altar in your mom’s van, but I doubt it.

Pee

2011-06-30T07:43:00.000-07:00

Life is like a pancake peed on by Smurfs.

Men

2011-06-28T07:48:00.000-07:00

Give a man a pancake, he’ll eat for a day. Then, when he’s passed out from the sedative, you can shave his balls.

Life

2011-06-23T07:41:00.000-07:00

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% eating pancakes at gunpoint with Joe Pesci.

The Buddha

2011-06-21T07:50:00.000-07:00

When the Buddha ordered a pizza but received a pancake, he became enlightened.

Change

2011-06-16T07:49:00.000-07:00

If you don't believe one pancake can change the world, I guess you're not a total moron.

Pans

2011-06-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

Making pancakes in a bedpan rarely pans out.

Equality

2011-06-09T07:47:00.000-07:00

I believe in equality for everyone, except Canadians, pancakes, children, people who eat ranch dressing, and orcs.

Life lessons

2011-06-07T07:16:00.000-07:00

Always have a mind as sharp as a dagger and a pancake as sticky as the sheets in a Bangkok brothel.

Change

2011-06-02T07:44:00.000-07:00

No matter how things change, people will always eat pancakes, raise families, and bone your mom.

The rich and the poor

2011-05-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

It is better to eat pancakes in a rich man's bathtub than to eat rats in a poor man's dumpster. Duh.

Safe sex

2011-05-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

11% of teens think they can get pregnant if they eat pancakes while having butt sex.

Pancake-pocalypse

2011-05-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

Now that we know the Rapture is bullshit, maybe people will take the Pancake-pocalypse seriously.

Bananas

2011-05-19T07:51:00.000-07:00

You can put bananas in a pancake, but you can't put pancakes in a banana. For this, bananas are grateful.

Nostradamus

2011-05-17T07:53:00.000-07:00

All pancakes are preordained. Nostradamus believed in a hearty breakfast.

Marriage

2011-05-14T07:48:00.000-07:00

Why buy the pancake when you can pour syrup on yourself for free?

Purgatory

2011-05-10T07:53:00.000-07:00

The pancake is the state bird of New Jersey.

Drinking

2011-05-05T07:49:00.000-07:00

Pancakes before beer, never fear. Yak testicles before wine, you'll be fine.

Dating

2011-05-03T07:48:00.000-07:00

Never eat a pancake or placenta on a first date.

Gifts

2011-04-28T07:44:00.000-07:00

Give a man a pancake, he'll eat for a day. Give him an IHOP franchise, he'll do your mom in the stockroom.

Catholicism

2011-04-26T07:43:00.000-07:00

When you think about it, the Catholic host is the worst pancake in the world.

Names

2011-04-21T07:59:00.000-07:00

Pancakes are also called flapjacks, hotcakes, and celestial discs from the sacred womb of Oprah.

Taoism

2011-04-19T07:55:00.000-07:00

"To use a pancake to show that a pancake is not a pancake is not as good as using a non-pancake to show that a pancake is not a pancake." --Chuang Tzu

Pancake-ology

2011-04-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

Only a professor of pancake-ology can tell a pancake-pocalypse from a pancake-mageddon.

Office life

2011-04-12T07:49:00.000-07:00

The P in TPS report stands for pancake.

Hell

2011-04-07T07:48:00.000-07:00

If you dedicate your life to Orthodox Pancake-ism, maybe Satan won't stir-fry your genitals in hell.

Daycare

2011-04-05T07:01:00.000-07:00

If you feed your dingo pancakes once in awhile, you can reduce your baby budget by half.

Generosity

2011-03-31T07:42:00.000-07:00

You lose very little by sharing your pancakes with strangers or selling your sister to pirates.

The law

2011-03-29T07:09:00.000-07:00

If you treat celebrities like pancakes and pancakes like celebrities, may I recommend a good lawyer?

State of the nation

2011-03-24T07:15:00.000-07:00

It's a sad day when America's pancakes are smarter than the schoolchildren and the schoolchildren are more nutritious.

Being and non-being

2011-03-22T07:41:00.000-07:00

Being and non-being are intertwined, just like pancake and non-pancake, or your mom and that homeless dude in the dumpster.

USA

2011-03-17T07:57:00.000-07:00

What's more American than a pancake? Apple pie, Mom, nuclear power plants, big onion rings, reality TV, cockapoos... Pretty much anything.

Marriage

2011-03-15T07:59:00.000-07:00

If I marry a pancake, it's an abomination. If a celebrity marries a scone, it's a trend. If a bishop marries a biscuit, it's a sacrament.

Family

2011-03-10T07:32:00.000-08:00

Never let a sorcerer make your pancakes, unless eating your great-grandmother's soul sounds like a healthy breakfast.

Breakfast

2011-03-08T07:53:00.000-08:00

You get more with a pancake and a smile than a waffle and a bag of dog crap.

Genius

2011-03-03T07:23:00.000-08:00

He who eats pancakes with wise men is wise; he who sleeps with their wives is a freaking genius.

Destiny

2011-03-01T07:35:00.000-08:00

Pancakes are like newborns. Sooner or later, a hobo is gonna eat 'em.

Chicago

2011-02-24T07:48:00.000-08:00

Chicago-style pancakes are thick, ketchup-free, made in backrooms, and smothered in Daley sauce.

War

2011-02-22T06:51:00.000-08:00

A pancake is like a war: easy to start, hard to finish, and great for the economy.

Flashes

2011-02-17T07:41:00.000-08:00

A flash in the pan is better than a flasher in the pancake house.

Choices

2011-02-15T07:43:00.000-08:00

When choosing between pancakes and evil, see if the evil comes with bacon.

Beauty

2011-02-10T07:42:00.000-08:00

You can put pancake makeup on a waffle, but you can't put waffle makeup on a pancake.

Thor

2011-02-08T07:49:00.000-08:00

Don't say, "By Thor's hammer!" Say, "By Thor's pancake!" God knows I don't ask you for much.

Pessimism and optimism

2011-02-03T07:38:00.000-08:00

A pessimist sees the turd in every pancake; an optimist sees the pancake in every turd.

Life

2011-02-01T07:51:00.000-08:00

You can live without apple pancakes and tentacle porn, but who would want to?

Hippies

2011-01-27T07:48:00.000-08:00

If you're throwing tridents and pancake batter at hippies, you must be doing something right.

Math

2011-01-25T07:51:00.000-08:00

A pancake in the hand is worth two in the underoos.

Conflict

2011-01-20T07:46:00.000-08:00

All conflicts come down to pancakes vs. waffles, Thor vs. Xenu, or Daffy Duck vs. Donald Duck.

Madness

2011-01-18T07:27:00.000-08:00

To come between a man and his pancake is madness. Delicious, delicious, delicious, delicious madness.

Starting and finishing

2011-01-13T07:14:00.000-08:00

It's better to start a pancake than to finish a poocake.

The spiritual ladder

2011-01-11T07:18:00.000-08:00

When you move up the spiritual ladder, sprinkle a little pancake batter on the rungs, just to make it interesting for the next guy.

Education

2011-01-06T07:20:00.000-08:00

A pancake isn't the kindest of teachers, but it might be the stickiest.

Happiness

2011-01-04T07:22:00.000-08:00

If you want to be happy for a day, eat a pancake. If you want to be happy for a lifetime, sacrifice a hobo to Oprah this Saturday at 3:33 a.m.

Beware

2010-12-30T06:59:00.000-08:00

Beware a man with only one pancake or wife.

George Carlin

2010-12-28T07:56:00.000-08:00

George Carlin said, "Everybody's got a cell phone that'll make pancakes and rub their balls" but mine won't do anything but anal.

Arts and sciences

2010-12-23T07:00:00.000-08:00

Is making pancakes an art or a science? Neither. It's a sub-discipline of exorcism-ology.

Pants

2010-12-21T07:14:00.000-08:00

You can't spell "pantless cakes" without "pancakes".

Cousin Billy

2010-12-16T07:56:00.000-08:00

A pancake a day keeps my cousin Billy away. Trust me, that's a good thing.

Capes

2010-12-14T07:29:00.000-08:00

If you're a sewer rat, a pancake could be a good cape.

Ew

2010-12-09T07:35:00.000-08:00

One man's pancake is another man's bedpan. (Hint: that man is your mom).

Monarchy

2010-12-07T07:36:00.000-08:00

If a king sits on a throne of pancakes, that's a good day for the royal poodle.

Duality

2010-12-02T07:37:00.000-08:00

There are two sides to coins, pancakes, arguments, and Batman villains.

Flaws

2010-11-30T07:32:00.000-08:00

Better a diamond with a flaw than a pancake with a thin coating of diarrhea.

Fools

2010-11-25T07:53:00.000-08:00

Is it better to fool a pancake or pancake a fool?

Dogs

2010-11-23T07:39:00.000-08:00

You are smarter than your dog, but your dog is smarter than your pancake. So that evens out.

Achievement

2010-11-18T06:44:00.000-08:00

You can't get to the top by shoving pancakes up your bottom.

Moving mountains

2010-11-16T07:27:00.000-08:00

It is possible to move a mountain with only witchcraft and pancakes. Send $1000 to learn how.

Virtue

2010-11-11T07:29:00.000-08:00

A virtuous wife is like a pancake. She can't do business without letting Mrs. Butterworth wet her beak.

Faith

2010-11-09T07:30:00.000-08:00

Putting your faith in a fool is like swaddling your infant in a pancake: surprisingly delicious.

Hate

2010-11-04T06:48:00.000-07:00

You'd be surprised how much pancakes hate syrup and your mom.

The mind

2010-11-02T06:47:00.000-07:00

The mind is like a pancake. It tastes great with strawberries.

The rich

2010-10-28T06:43:00.000-07:00

It is easier for a rich man to eat a pancake than it is for a chihuahua to hump a polar bear. Duh.

Breakfast

2010-10-26T07:26:00.000-07:00

A dog is to a pancake as a cat is to a crepe. As for waffles, they are the naked mole rats of breakfast.

Jesus

2010-10-21T07:18:00.000-07:00

Jesus H. Christ should really be called Jesus P. Christ--for pancake. You can thank Bill Clinton for that cover-up.

The cosmos

2010-10-19T07:02:00.000-07:00

There are muffin tops, but no pancake tops. That is the way of the cosmos.

The Lord

2010-10-14T07:36:00.000-07:00

The Lord curses the waffles of the wise, but He blesses the pancakes of the promiscuous. What can I say, God is a perv.

Miracles

2010-10-12T07:27:00.000-07:00

The miracle is not to fly in the air or walk on the water, but to make a pancake that looks exactly like Christina Hendricks.

Faith

2010-10-07T07:12:00.000-07:00

A Buddhist asks, "Is this pancake Buddha?" A pagan answers, "Shut up, or Thor is gonna hit you with his hammer."

Hate

2010-10-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

These six things the Lord doth hate: sin, abomination, hatred, cologne, dirty socks, and pancakes covered in whale semen.

Marriage

2010-09-30T07:52:00.000-07:00

A virtuous woman is like a pancake to her husband, particularly if he is a cannibal.

Sisterhood

2010-09-28T06:44:00.000-07:00

Love pancakes like a sister! OK, maybe not like your sister, you sicko. Forget I said anything.