Sunday, May 31, 2009


Aim for success, not pancakes. Success will bring you pancakes, along with a finer grade of hooker.

Saturday, May 30, 2009


Do more than believe: act! Do more than spend: invest! Do more than love: comfort! Do more than hate: grind your enemies into pancake batter, and then make those pancakes, and then serve them to your enemies' families, like Eric Cartman! Yeah! Whoo! USA!

Thursday, May 28, 2009


Pancakes do not cease to be pancakes because your cousin Billy barfed on them.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


The difference between a true pessimist and a true pancake is smaller than you would think. Both are delicious when served warm.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Traditional blessing

May your pancakes be fluffy and your troubles fall away, off the face of the earth, which then spins out of orbit, right into the clutches of Gargamarg, the space monster!

Monday, May 25, 2009

The eyes of God

In the eyes of God, the pancakes and the prophets will be judged as equals. This is because--in case you haven't noticed--God is batshit crazy.

Sunday, May 24, 2009


Post-traumatic pancake syndrome is a real condition, but you have to eat a lot of pancakes and overcome the prejudices of the medical community, so is it really worth it?

Saturday, May 23, 2009

True story

I've had jalapeno beer and sushi pancakes, but I've never made love to a horse. True story.

Friday, May 22, 2009

True knowledge

What does the elephant know about pancakes that the chimpanzee does not? Probably not enough to start a blog.

Thursday, May 21, 2009


Would you rather have plague and pancakes or famine and fries? Your answer reveals everything about you.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


If you eat a pancake in the woods, and no one hears it, you are really brave, because there are bears in those woods.


Is that a pancake you hear whispering in the dark? No, those are just serial killers.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Quality of life

The quality of our lives, to a large degree, depends on the pancake chef of our death cult.

Monday, May 18, 2009


Five pounds of pancakes will provide more cheerfulness than 500 pounds of horse poo.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Morning prayer

Bountiful God, thank you for the pancakes. Keep my children safe. Drop something heavy on my husband/wife. Amen.

Saturday, May 16, 2009


Will robo-pancakes eliminate hunger or just terrorize dogs, cats, squirrels, meerkats, and small children? Why can't they do both?

Friday, May 15, 2009

Divine justice

Swine flu has killed more people than pancake fever, which is why God sends pigs to hell and pancakes to heaven. USA! USA!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Wilt the Stilt

Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points in an NBA game, slept with over 10,000 women, and ate 73 pancakes in a competitive eating contest with the Pope.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


The disciples of Jesus went ape for the pancakes of Jesus, but you probably didn't know that, because the Gospel writers were totally cranked on the crystal meth of Jesus.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Sometimes, a pancake is only a pancake. Other times, Pop-pop's been playing with his poo.

Monday, May 11, 2009

The simple life

Life is simple. Do the laundry. Eat the pancakes. Shrink the heads. That is all there is to it.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


A man would prefer to come home to a fluffy pancake and a vampire woman than a hairy pancake and a werewolf woman. Boys will be boys!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

City planning

He that fleeth from the pancake shall fall into the volcano. Now who put that diner so close to the volcano? Geez.

Thursday, May 7, 2009


If Aquaman could talk to pancakes instead of fish, he'd probably have to change his name.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


If you make a pancake delicious enough, even a walrus will eat it. The same is true of children and pies.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


All my life I dreamed of making it in the world of high finance. So imagine my surprise when I ended up killed by elves and sprinkled on pancakes served to orcs.

Monday, May 4, 2009


Don't make pancakes in the bathroom or boom-booms in the kitchen. Rookie mistake!

Sunday, May 3, 2009


Pancakes don't have feelings, so it's OK to beat them with a phone book and demand a confession, even at IHOP.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


What could be better than the devouring of pancakes? The committing of whoredoms? Yeah, probably so.

Friday, May 1, 2009


Beam with pride when your pancakes accomplish something, like being ruled non-lethal by the health commissioner.